When things don’t go your way…. what to do about it!

Sometimes a blog topic feels very challenging for me to write. I don’t really know how or even what to say about the thoughts “brewing”‘ in my mind. Yet those thoughts have been “hanging out” long enough to know that it is time for them to be written. Blogging is one of the ways I reflect on things. So, thank you for helping me get my thoughts out into the universe! Today’s blog won’t be very long. I hope it sparks something in you and it helps settle my own mind on this recurring dilemma for me.

The topic is when or how to let go of a client, a job or a facilitation partner. And, how to release the pain and shame of not being successful.  Like the sunset. How can we elegantly allow the day to be over with no regrets?  How do we release the thoughts of “I should have known better” or “I could have done better”?

Recently, I or colleagues I have collaborated with, had several projects that did not land, i.e., they did not win the bid. And I have been asking myself, ‘Did I put too much effort into this project’?

By effort I mean the research into what the client needs, meeting with them virtually or in person (sometimes multiple times), designing an intervention, preparing a budget and writing the proposal. Or if it’s consultation partner, it is about the effort we spend days, weeks, maybe even months or years planning and designing something together. Then we realize, it’s too difficult! There’s no way this job, client or partner is a good fit for anyone involved. And I (still) struggle with the “inefficiency” of spending a lot of time with potentially nothing to show for it, or without bringing it to completion in some honouring way.

Let me explore this with you. Please share your thoughts on this!

How much time should I spend on a proposal request? (Letting go of the job)

I used to figure if I could get 50% of the client jobs that came my way, that would be a good percentage. Then as I got better at it, I just refused to do more than a few hours’ worth of work on jobs that didn’t look very promising. I’d ask the client direct questions like, “How much budget do you have for this? When do you need it by? Who else have you contacted as a potential other facilitator?” If they dodged my questions, I knew there may not be a good chance that was going to get the job. You CAN say politely, “No thank you”. Or write a very brief template type proposal just as a courtesy so that the client can get their required number of bids.

In actual fact, when I looked through the number of clients I have in my file folders that have not come through, it’s more like 10% of the jobs that I did not get. You do get better at this. You become more discerning. Your intuition clicks in. For example, one of the clues that me or my colleagues had with some recent rejections, was some of the questions they didn’t ask. And, at one point there was a member of the interview committee that started to ask for information they needed from me. At this point the head of the committee members hushed them, saying they will discuss it later. That should’ve been a clue. In fact, it was, but I ignored it.

How to process a rejection (Letting go of the client and our egos)

One can never really know how you are going to feel or react when the job, project or partnership falls through until you go on this journey. So, I urge you to never give up on something that looks interesting, where you think you have a skill or stance that might contribute.

It’s a hard-won skill to let go of something for which you worked really hard. That’s the life of a facilitator and a consultant. Many jobs are just not going to happen. And it’s all this time that’s unpaid for us. Sometimes it doesn’t feel fair. That’s why we charge more than an average hourly salary. And as we get more experience, we do learn to trust our intuition of knowing when to make the effort and how much effort to put in. When things don’t go the way you expect, consider these positive insights:

• You have developed a potential relationship with this client, or partner, that might fulfill itself in some future date
• It might give you an understanding of the topic or conditions of a certain sector
• Certainly, you’ll have a draft proposal that you can use for a future client

Think of it like a process or a journey. You have no idea how the things will work out. That’s kind of like life, no? It’s not that you are not good enough. It’s just that, as we say in English, the “stars did not lineup”.  It’s time to watch the sunset and wait for another day, another opportunity.

Releasing a business or collegial partnership

Three things keep coming back to me…

I keep coming to the same conclusions:

1. That the effort and the skills learned in doing every single one of these proposals or co-design efforts was worth it. Something was gained both by myself, my colleagues, and the client. We came to some clarity together. It ended up being a collaboration, even though there was no end product for which we were collectively responsible. It was simply that the time, conditions, skill or experience level of all parties was not a perfect match. To reiterate, don’t be afraid to bid on questionable or difficult jobs or partnerships.
2. It will give you practice. Begin to figure out what questions to ask in the first meeting or email.  If it is a longer-term partnership, keep reassessing and have regular honest, vulnerable check-ins about how things are going. Avoid pretending that everything is Ok. Ask ” how are things going for you? How can we make it easier or better? what needs redefining in our roles? Ask: May I also share what is going on for me?
3.  Enjoy the process. Learn as much as you can about the art of the proposal and partnership.

Resources

Here are a few more f my blogs that relate to this topic in some way.

How Do You Decide to Take That Facilitation Job?

No Regrets! 5 Lessons for Contracting with Clients

3 Key Areas to Dramatically Improve Your Facilitation Practice

Get More Facilitation Clients and In-House Opportunities

I Don’t Know What to Ask My Client – Tips for a Successful Interview

Little or BIG Impact – Which do you want? – North Star Facilitators